Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don't
The story of my life

Archive for the ‘What’s on your mind’ Category

Youth, the great present building an amazing future

Sunday, March 15th, 2015


Today I was invited to share my testimony with the youth at my church and for some reason I was nervous. Our senior pastor joined the youth together with the worship team leader and a few others to listen to me.

Now I was more nervous than ever before when I have talked but once I started, my nerves calmed down.

It was all quiet in the room once I start speaking and I took it as a good sign that they were interested in what I had to share with them. While talking I saw a few head shakes here and some laughs there but what touched me the most was a boy there.  He was about 16-18 years old I think. When I was done and were talking to my friend, he came over to me and put his arms around to caress me. Suddely the boy started to shake. He bursted out in tears and I couldn’t hold my own tears back while trying to comfort the boy. My friend came over and she too start weeping with us. The boy didn’t say a word to me, but his tears and firm hug said more than words ever could. His heart was so humble.

After the boy some of the other  young adults came over, shaking my hand or hugging me, saying how amazing I was and how much they had enjoyed my talk. Another 13  year old boy asked me “why don’t the police get those guys?” Well that’s a good question and we all asking that question. It felt so so nice and I am praying to God that if any of them or someone they know would be in an unhealthy relationship, that my testimony will help them to ask for help or stretch out a hand to the ones who needs it, to seek help.


Remember, it’s so important to talk to someone, tell someone, it starts to break the power and controle the other person has over you!! And there is help to get if you just ask!

Love & blessings to you all




New book “S.O.S Sink or Swim”

Sunday, February 22nd, 2015


I’m so proud to present my new book and continuation of my autobiography “Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don’t”,

“S.O.S Sink or Swim”

About the book;

S.O.S Sink or Swim is about Hannah and her struggle how to start over in a new country after escaping a lifetime of domestic violence. Hannah’s journey began in her family-home back in Sweden and her first book “Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don’t” telling the story of years of terror. When Hannah finally finds the strengths to leave her fiance and the horrible abuse to save her life, she thought to herself “I’m just going to erase my past and start over”. But Hannah realized quickly that life doesn’t work that way. The lies she had heard, the punches and kicks Hannah had received her whole life, had gone deep down and wounded her soul so bad. She had to start from the beginning, not just with money, job and somewhere to live, but with everything. Hannah had to learn to trust herself, to trust others enough to ask for help, to be able to build a new life. But most important, Hannah had to find herself again, find that strong woman she knew she really was. It was harder than Hannah could ever imagine but she knew there were only two choices, Sink or Swim.

About the author;

Hannah Bonde was born in Gothenburg, Sweden in 1970. Her father, a Finnish native and with a Swedish mother, she became a woman of character and Hannah learned the true meaning of survival and sacrifice. At the age of fifteen she met the one she believed would be the love of her life. Fifteen years later the once love of her life had become someone to be feared rather than loved. After enduring constant verbal and physical abuse Hannah managed to escape from the grasp of her soon would be husband. In 1999, she found herself at Los Angeles International Airport with almost no money,no home and no family or friends. Absent creature comforts and plan for her future, she kept moving forward with the hope of a better life just over the horizon. Hannah managed to start from scratch, build a new life for herself, working for the rich and famous. Her passion for helping other abused women compelled Hannah to share her story in hopes that it will give other women the courage to free themselves from their own private hell as she did hers.


Both books, hard or soft covers, are available to be ordered from AuthorHouse.com or directly from me at; info@habonde.com


Love & Blessings


d the horrible abuse

fi nd herself again, fi nd



Thank You Father & IHPC

Thursday, January 22nd, 2015


Every morning when I wake up, even before I open my eyes, I always thank God for blessing me with another day. It’s something most of us are taking for granted but not me. For almost 15 years I was living in a abusive relationship, I never knew if the next punch, kick och choking etc would end my life.

I used to call myself “lucky” for getting out of that relationship alive, today I will say I was and I am very blessed. Since I escaped from his (my abusers)grasp 15 years ago and left my country, family and friends behind to save my life, I have always said  “someone’s whatching over me”.

A little more than a year ago I had an arguement with someone close to my heart and he said “you need Jesus in your life”. My reply “Maybe I do. I haven’t tried that.” I had tried many things along the years, believe me, but nothing really worked. I still had that empty space in my  heart. Always feeling lonely, even in big companys or when I hang out with friends. After that argument I start to look for a church and a friend of mine said she use to pass by a church close to her house every Sunday morning when she walks her dogs. She said “it’s always a lot of people and sounds like a joyful party in there” and asked if I wanted to “try that one?” Sure we can do that, I respond.

Long story short, we went about 3 times together but after that she dropped out but I continued to attend. Every worship my tears overflowed and I could feel the strain and hopelessness slowely leave my body. But I realized I had to go every week to not have another breakdown. About 6 months after I started to go there, when the Pastor did the altercall, I went up and I invited Jesus to be the Lord of my life. I knew Jesus was the one who had always been watching over me, whom kept me safe, whom directed my steps all my life, he had just waited on me to invite him into my heart. I started to serve in church, got to know the worship team, which by the way are just amazing, our Pastors which have an amazingly calming effect on me and so friendly, human and loving people. I love going to church where I found new friends, my comfort and above it all, the presence and annointing of God which is always there.

A few months after I gave my life to Jesus, we had an Encounter weekend where something happened that I NEVER thought would be possible, I truly, from the bottom of my heart, forgave everyone in my past. My abuser, the man who raped me when I was only 13 years old, my parents, my ex-husband and everyone else I needed to forgive, to let go of my past. What a wonderful feeling to finally be free!!

I’ve realized and experience first hand, when you are bitter and have anger within you, there is no room to heal. But as soon as you turn that bitterness, anger, dissappointment or whatever negativity it might be, on to prayers for those who are mean, want or trying to harm you, those broken pieces start to fall in to right place within YOU. That is why I know now, I can’t do anything without Jesus in my life.

There are things in the world, MANY things, we have no contol over, yet we are stressing over them. I have learned and exercise the knowledge every single day, to read the word, to pray, tell God what’s on my mind and trust him so much I can leave it all to him.  Good things, no let me say GREAT things has been happening for me since I stop worrying and I’ve been staying in faith, expecting good things to happen.

So last I want to remind you once again, never ever take ANYTHING or ANYONE for granted. All we have and everyone we have in our lives AND our life, are a blessing.

God is good ALL THE TIME!!

Love & Gratitude always




Saturday, November 22nd, 2014


The Holidays are just around the corner and Christmas is my favorite Holiday, also that time when I miss my own family the most. Still I love the smell of my Christmas tree, the lights and decorations.

But these Holidays are also a time when Domestic Violence are very high, many people are alone and lonely, have no food or a place to stay. I believe that if we all start to care a little more, open our pretty eyes and look around, we can make a change, a better change, in the world starting today.

What I mean is that if you see something that’s not right, say something. For example, bullying or someone ‘talking down’/threatening/beating their mate, child, pet or anyone else, get in between, speak up or call the police. By doing that, you might save that child/woman/man/pets life.

When you meet someone, no matter how or what they look like, smile at them. A smile is free but it speaks more than a 1000 words sometimes. Stop judging people for this and that. You never know what they have been through.

When people meet me, they can’t even imagine half of what I’ve been through in my life. Long story short, my life in Sweden, parents divorced when I was 6 years old, saw my mother being abused by her second husband, my father opened Sweden’s first strip clubs which gave my sister and me the nick name ‘the porno kings daughters’, raped at 13 years old by my fathers “good friend” and going in to an abusive relationship myself at the age of 15 years old. Let me pause right here for a second. I think some of you are now thinking “but just leave him” and yes I would probably have been thinking the same now unless I had experience what I did. He was telling me after first time he hit me (2 months in to our relationship) with his fist in my face that I can run but he would always find me. I was his forever. And just to top it off, reassure I got it, he punched me a few more times, swinging me around in my hair just to end up smiling (all smiles are not pleasant) and look at me with those devil black eyes he got when he were ‘loosing’ it. Who was I going to turn too? My father who was knocked out on the sofa in his house when I got raped? My mother who couldn’t take care of herself? Don’t get me wrong, my parents loved me and my mother was a very loving  person, just not there when I needed them. So I realized, there was no help and stayed with him for almost 15 years, being beaten a few times per week, been told how fat, ugly and un attractive I was and that no one could love me so I should be grateful to him for being with me. Shaking my head thinking about it.

Early in that relationship I start pushing everyone, friends and family away, as he had full control over me. My journal became my best friend. All those years I used to pray to God but I really didn’t know much about ‘him’ or the Bible as I wasn’t at church many times at all as a child, but I kept talking to “him” to keep me safe. After a few years I kind of existed but I wasn’t living. About 14.5 years later an accident happened that slowed me down for a few months and a voice inside me said “You have two choices, either you find a way to leave him or you marry him and live your life like this for the rest of your life.” Something rose up inside me and I said to myself “No I can’t do this anymore. I love life and I want to live”. I had made my choice and started to plan my escape.

Looking back at my life, I’m amazed that I am still alive but by finding a church that I love and invited Jesus into my life, I’ve realized why, I’m filled with The Holy Spirit. At that time, 15 years ago now, that voice that spoke to me and told me to choose, was our Heavenly Father. What rose up in me and decided what to choose was The Holy Spirit. You always have a choice by what you speak, you can choose life or death, and I chose life. You can too! If you’re in an abusive relationship, being bullied, are depressed or have a feeling you want to give up, there is always help to get. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Keep the faith, keep pushing, keep praying and NEVER EVER give up. There is only one who’s in full control and it’s God. He loves you so much. His love is the same yesterday, today & forever!!

Something simple to remember

P.U.S.H = Pray until something happens

Love you all.

Blessing & Gratitude H


What’s your choice?

Friday, September 19th, 2014

choiceIn life we make choices every single day and one day or the other, we will make one of these choices. To sum it up, we will go through all these choices and that’s ok. One thing though, when it comes to abuse, ANY kind of abuse, make the choice to leave it behind you.

Abusers won’t change, no matter what they say or how many times they say “I’m sorry”, they’ll just will turn around and do it again. Find the strenghts, not just to walk away but also to leave it behind you. You deserve better!!

Someones trash is another persons treasure <3

Friday, August 29th, 2014


And abused you in all ways you can possible think of. Stepped right over you like you didn’t existed and in one way I didn’t.

I was told in young age that if I didn’t lose weight, I was not a skinny girl as I had curves, which would end up in I was going to be left by men for a more slender girl. What a lie!!! But as a child and teenager, you believe those lies.

Then the “love of my life” showed himself to be a weak coward whom verbally and physical abused the women in his life, me, his sister and his own mother, to prove what a ‘real’ man he was. SMH!!!

He told me that no one would ever love a fat woman like myself, I was disgusting, I was dumb, stupid, slow and everything else you can possible come up with. In his eyes I would just take whatever punch, kick, threat he gave me as I owed it to him just for him to be with me. SMH even more!!

Finally I found the strength to save myself, to escape from his grasp. I learned what it was to have a “crush” on someone. I learned how it was to be cared for by someone. I learned how it was to really like someone, but it took me many years to learn how it was to truly love and be loved by someone. Love is not between a perfect man and woman. Love is not perfect. But Love can be perfect for a special man and woman who refuse to take the “easy” way out. To break up just because you dis-agree. To try to make sense of everything because ‘that’s the way it supposed to be’, says WHO??? To break up because it won’t happen the way YOU planned or on YOUR time table. Love is perfect between two people because they are perfect for each other. Just because someone walks out on you don’t say they’re a “bad” man or woman. They’re just not the “good” man or woman for YOU. I’ve learned one thing, God never takes anything away from you unless he has something better in store for you <3

I thank God for being where I am today, for my life, the blessings in my life, for my soul-mate and for the gift God gave me to NEVER EVER give up.   

There’s no better feeling than to be with someone who appreciate all those stuff someone else took for granted!!


Love & Blessings and please remember, ALWAYS keep your faith.


Book # 2 in progress

Saturday, April 12th, 2014

Hey my friends! I hope you all are doing well and enjoying your life.

Just to notify you that another book, the continuation of “Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don’t” are in progress and will be published sometime this year of 2014.

What’s the book about? The process and emotionally struggle to move on, start over, after living in Domestic violence.  

Something to look forward too!!


Blessings and gratitude to all


Sunday, February 2nd, 2014

IMG_0452To forgive can be the hardest thing you ever have to do but also the most important thing to do. Not for the other person but for yourself! When you go around dwelling in the past, the only one who feels bad, anxious or sad will be yourself! To forgive doesn’t mean that you accept what they have done, their actions, it just mean that you forgive them for not knowing better and than you thank GOD for helping you through it and that he will bring you out stronger than you were before. I’m not talking about to “kind of” forgive, I’m talking about to whole hearted forgive and set yourself free from holding on to the pain. The past has passed, it’s time to let go. You can’t create a great future by holding on to a miserable past.

There is still hope…….

Saturday, January 18th, 2014

IMG_0286To find a real man ladies. After my troublesome past, I had almost given up on the dream I’ve had sinse a little girl; to find my prince. But when I least expected it, a man entered my life and light that fire again. Put that faith back in my heart and I found everything I’ve ever wanted and needed. The more I get to know him, the more beautiful he is. I thank GOD every day for blessing me with him. It’s been struggle for us, for me to believe he’s for real and not “playing” me. I’ve tried, even though it’s the last thing I want, to push him away by showing him ‘that little girl’ that are so scared to trust again, to depend on someone and who’s trying to tell me I’m better off alone. But you know what, hes still here and working with me, not just packing his things and taking off which would’ve been easier. Maybe it’s been me who has  ‘subconsciously’  “tested” him to see how serious he really are.



When you’ve heard almost all of your life how fat, ugly, stupid, retarded you are and that no one can ever love you, you start to believe it. When you than hear how beautiful, sweet, nice, humble and amazing you are, it takes a lot for that to sink in. It’s not as easy to believe but you will with a lot of re-assurance.

Don’t ever give up on your dreams, no matter what they are. Always keep the faith and pray!!  

“How to Love”

Friday, November 22nd, 2013

When my mom was still here I had a special ringtone for her on my phone, Lil Wayne’s “How to love” for a special reason. Just now I watched that video for the first time and I didn’t realize HOW well that song fitted. It’s all about choices we’re making in life that effects people close to us, people we love. It took me until just recently to learn or even be close to know and understand how it is to love another person, your better half, your soul mate, husband/wife, boy/girl friend or whatever you’d prefer to call them, and to truly be loved for who you are. All these years I’ve thought I knew how to love but I had no clue, because of choices people made when I came into this world. It’s so easy to keep walking in those beliefs that you hear and see from your parents and other adults when you grow up until you stop and realizing that you have the power to change those beliefs. It took me a long time, lots of pain and hurt, some good things,some bad things and some simply wonderful things happen too me to come to the point where I am today. Along the way I have learned to recognize my mood and thinking so I’ve been able to change my “old” thinking and turn them in to positive things. It takes a lot of work, emotions and to be aware of your thoughts to make the change and it’s been going pretty good I must admit but when it comes to finding someone to love, I always made sure to find someone I knew was going to mess up, someone I knew I’d be able to kick to the curb sooner or later. I have always believed in the fairytale, that we all are able to create our own, but to do so you need to overlook your “old” heartbreaks and fears, to be able to love and receive love with your whole heart. If you know my story, my past, you know the relationships I saw growing up, and it wasn’t really a good role model to follow but it was all I knew so I did a pretty good job following it. Now when I’m looking back at it kind of put a smile on my face while I’m shaking my head and wonder “what the hell was I thinking?” So the question is; have I loved before? Yes probably, in the only way I know how. Meeting my soul mate, yes I still believe we all can create our own fairytale, I am learning how to love healthy, mutual with a give and take, and even though I’ve learned years ago to trust that my friends and family loves me, it’s first now I’m experience the romantic love and it does scares me sometimes but I don’t let the fear block me. I’ve realized that now is the time to work on myself, to truly see my fears, the things I’m super sensetive about, the way I communicate and to admit to myself if what I’m asking for is reasonable, is it going to make me happy or if it’s my “old” thinking/feeling that’s coming back. If I’m not paying attention to this, I’d lose the love of my life and that’s something I’m not willing to do. Yes I am a little project but the most important thing is that we’re working on to get it complete and it will be…..soon.  So to everyone in my life, Thank You for teaching me How To Love….Better late than Never.