Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don't
The story of my life

Archive for the ‘“Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don’t”’ Category

You truly can…….

Friday, October 23rd, 2015


You can……

“Do all things through Christ who strengthens you” as the Holy Bible says in Philippians 4:13. And it is the truth. It doesn’t say it will be easy, it says it will be worth it.

I am all for fighting, hard if it takes, for your relationship to work, but if it comes to that you physically have to fight, especially your mate/partner, I will say it’s time to leave. There is NO excuse for abusing another person physically, mentally, verbally, sexually or in ANY way. So if you’re in a situation where you feel any of that applies to you or someone you love, please get down on your knees and pray to find that strengths it takes to leave that abusive person. And don’t be scared to do whatever it takes to get out of there. It is so worth it! Ask for help and pray for protection, our heavenly Father will never leave nor forsake us as we turn to him.

How do I know?

My fiancé abused me from the start and by the time I found the courage to leave, we had been together close to 15 years. I knew we got closer to “that” day when he would hit a little “too hard”, put too much weight on that knife he held against my chest, give me a ‘head butt’ that would put me in a coma forever or I would be too slow to defend myself, and that would be that time my heart stopped beating. I had come to a point where I didn’t care anymore. If that happened, at least I would be free.

But something inside me just refused to give up my life. I have been praying all my life, but yet I didn’t trust God would was able to get me out. Why would I trust him when my parents weren’t there to protect me? Long story short, I escaped Sweden the country I am born and raised in, to save my life.

It’s been struggle, it’s been pain and heart breaks, yet still worth it. I am alive! I have a life, I found myself and I’m happy but most of all, I got to know my heavenly Father. I have someone I trust with all my heart. Thanks to him I am still alive. Looking back, all those times when my ex “unexpectedly” left me alone after being a second from killing me, it was God protecting me.

I never thought I would leave family and friends behind to move, but I would’ve been dead long time ago if I had stayed.

Still I am very humble and loving. My passion is to be that voice for the ones who can’t speak or are too afraid to stand up for themselves. I promise you, I’ll do all I can to be that voice.

That’s how I know that we are strong enough to leave, to pick up the pieces and get a life. Our life! To be YOU, without acting out of the fear how someone will react for whatever you do or say. You will be free to be you, find joy, love and happiness again. Always remember, that’s what life is all about. Pray, keep the faith, Live, love, laugh!! You deserve it!! I love You!!

LA Times Festival of Books

Wednesday, January 9th, 2013

I have the pleasure to announce that DAMNED IF I DO, DEAD IF I DON’T is going to attend and be in the gallery at the biggest book festival  in the US, LA Times Festival of Books April 20 & 21st 2013.




Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

The feedback I’ve got so far for this brand new book is just amazing. “Once you start reading you can’t put the book down,” “it’s written so well and in a way that everyone understands, no matter where you from.” “It’s a book that capture you in an indescribable way.” It’s warming my heart to hear and I know I made the right decision to publish the story of my life.

“Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don’t” will be available……

Friday, September 30th, 2011

very soon……FINALLY. It has been sent for printing and in a few weeks it’ll be available to buy online and from me.  Keep your eyes open for DIID written by; Hannah Bonde. I’ll keep you updated along the way=)

Flipp the script

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011

Got home not too long ago and turned on the TV. Tyler Perry’s “Madeas family reunion” came on, a movie I’ve seen a few times already. It always reminding me of my past and how abusers are the pros of flipping script; “I don’t want to hurt you but you make me like this,  if you didn’t do this or that I wouldn’t hit you, if you only was a little more like this or less like that……” What a BS. Talking about insecurity!

I spoke to someone today about DIID,DIID and explaind the purpose why I wrote the book. I want to go out to high-schools and talk about abuse…all kinds of abuse, as it’s more common than we know. That person I spoke to have a few connections when it comes to dealing with Domestic Violence and I got the number to the friend to see if they are interested. It all starts with a step, and I took another step today. Feels great!

A little “teaser”….

Sunday, July 3rd, 2011


Already in preschool it was very important for me to have my “me time”, although I loved to be around people. When I wanted to be alone, I would disappear for a few hours, and when my mom became worried, she could always find me in our backyard, spending time by myself, talking to each and every flower in my grandmother’s garden. They said I was a little dreamer. This, I would realize later in life, is what kept me alive and made me the strong woman that I am today.

They were in the dining room.  Annie and I looked down from upstairs and Conn had mom lying over his lap with her underwear down by her knees, he looked up at us and said,

See what your mother is worth ..

while he spanked her with our dog’s leash. We couldn’t do anything to help.  I felt her pain in my heart as tears fell down my cheeks.  I didn’t get any sleep that night.  I prayed to God that Conn would stop abusing my mom.  I promised myself that I would never be with a man who abused me.  Not mentally!  Not physically! 

My relationship with Jared started in May when I was 15 and in the 8th grade. 

In the beginning everything was wonderful. Life was great and I had a cute blond boyfriend with hazel brown eyes. Two months went by and one day when we were at his mom’s house, just talking and snuggled on the bed in his room, Jared asked me about Peter in my class and why we were such good friends.

“We’ve known each other since preschool and been best friends since then.  We enjoy each other’s company.”

“Oh, okay, but from now on, Peter won’t be your friend any more, right?”

 “Peter is my friend forever, I replied with a big smile.”

 Jared didn’t like that answer I gave to him.

Bang! he punched me right in the face. I had the taste of blood in my mouth and lost my vision for a second. My cheek pulsed and I felt the rush of blood to my cheek. His action surprised me because I had never seen him like that before. I couldn’t believe what had happened.  No one had ever hit me before.  Not my parents or anyone, so I was shocked and confused. When I looked at him, Jared’s eyes were darker than normal, almost black and he looked somewhat ‘crazy’.

“Why did you do something like that?”

 I said while rubbing my cheek, which was hurting.

“You just told me that you’re choosing him over me.  How do you expect me to react? I don’t like the way you talk about him and to him or any other guys for that matter. I guess someone have to teach you how to talk and act.”

I’m not used to anyone telling me what to do or not to do, and I had heard enough.  So I got up and started to walk towards the door.

“I am leaving now. I don’t want to be here anymore.” I said.

Jared jumped up and locked the door, locking me in and pushed me to the floor.

“You’re not going anywhere. I am not done with you, he said.”

 When he raised his hand to hit me again, I screamed, just then his mom, Eileen, knocked at the door.

“Is everything ok in there?  What’s going on?”

 But Jared answered, nicely

 “Everything is fine, just a little accident.”

He looked at me with his finger over his mouth meaning, be silent. After his mother moved away from the door, Jared told me with a voice I didn’t recognize

“It doesn’t matter if you leave me, because you’re mine anyway. You’re going to give me what I want and when I want it, you are mine. Doesn’t matter if you have another boyfriend, you can never get rid of me!”

The look in his eyes, told me it was more than a threat, it was a promise!

What would you do?

Sunday, June 19th, 2011

“Bang!  I just cut the corner and ran right into this six foot blond guy.  I was just about to say

“Watch where you are going!”

When I looked up and into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I got a tingle in my body.  My cheeks flushed red and all I managed to say was a shy,


Those same eyes that held so much promise now filled me with nothing but fear and terror. For the first time I could see clearly that I had to leave him. He will never change. If I stay, I will end up dead!

I was now ready to leave him but that option wouldn’t be easy. When I leave, I need to leave the country and my family in order to stay alive. I will have to find a way to escape from him because he will never let me go.  I take that back, he would let me go, if I left in a casket or if I were dead.

 Deep down, I already had the answer. I knew what I needed to do, but I took my time to ponder my moves and to plan, and let it sink in. I was planning my escape from him and this nightmare. A plan to save my life! 

But I jumped ahead in this tall, terrible tale, so let me start from the beginning.”

Available soon

Saturday, June 18th, 2011

First edition of  “Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don’t.” My book DIID, DIID has two parts, one with my life in Sweden (which is done and I have published, I’ll get a few ex. next week to review), one about how I started my life here, the healing process and things what’ve happened in my life in the US (this part is still being edited). I have not decide if I want to make the two parts one or two books yet, but I’ll figure it out when I review the first part.