Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don't
The story of my life

Home


Hi and welcome to my page

I will start to take a moment to introduce myself, and for safety, all the names are changed.

You can call me “Hannah Bonde,” as that’s my pen-name and name in the book, I am originally from Sweden, born and raised in the city of Gothenburg. My parents divorced when I was six years old and my life turned around completely. From growing up in a happy home which now turned in to a broken home where I saw my mother being abused by the man she married after divorcing my father. Promising myself to find my fairytale, I went straight from a childhood lacking comfort and security, needed someone to trust and who would be there for me, to an abusive relationship myself when I was only fifteen years old. Fourteen+ years of terror passed by and I figured there was only one thing for me to do to in order to stay alive, and that was to find the strengths to break free from this prison. I realized life is too precious and I was not ready to give my life up. November 1999 I fled my country to save my life and have not been back to Sweden since then.

I’ve learned the hard way and as a young child, not to “Judge the book by it’s cover,” and there is no “stereo type” for an abuser or victims. They can come in any shape, race, sizes, age, social class or religion. 

When I first arrived in the US, I said I am going to write an autobiography “one day”. I believe that my horrible story can turn around someone else’s life and give them strengths to see that nobody should have to live a life in fear and abuse, and most important, there is help to get.  The writing would also help to heal myself. Years passed by but I kept saying “one day” and that day arrived September 2007 when  I started to write my book “Damned if I Do, Dead if I Don’t.” I was a little worried in the beginning when I start writing as the memories of my past was kind of blurry. Unconsciously it was to protect myself, as it was hurting too much to think of my past. I knew the memories would come back to me again when I was ready.

I bought a laptop and start digging in to my diary’s from the past and forced myself to look back. For months when I read the diary’s about things that happened to me, I remembered so clearly it felt like I re-lived the situations, including the hurt and the pain as well. I had to stop writing from time to time and got frustrated, as there was no reason for me now to feel what I did then. I start hesitating and second-guess myself if I really should write the book when I felt this bad?

I decided to call a very good friend of mine, someone I trust and who has experience enough to ask me the right questions and from my own answers, I would know what to do. I was right! When I asked my friend, “Should I just push it away again and ‘forget’ about it, or should I continue to write so I can put it behind me?” Well, there was the answer, I HAD to push forward which I did, and I learned to read my diary’s and see my past life from the outside, like a third person and there was no need to re-live the emotions again!

The statistics of Domestic Violence are scary and more common than you think. I’ll continue to believe that my horrible experience will open some eyes and give strengths to others and give them a chance to break free from their situation.

My life has been very challenging and I’ve learned in young age to only depend on myself, but my past has also made me the woman I am today! A strong, independent and determent woman, someone I’m very proud of and who love life. I’m not going to say it has been easy, but I made it and so can other women!  

 

If you have any advise, suggestions, comments or opinion, please feel free to send it to me.

Interested to buy DIID DIID, just leave your contact info and I’ll get back to you.

Thank you again for taking the time to check out my page, to read the book and from the few people who already read my book, I’ve heard that even though DIID DIID is everything but a comedy, it’s  very interesting and definitely worth reading.

 

Much love, H